Award Winning Jokes In UK

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night
and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies,
he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.


Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says
'You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.'


The astonished Chinese man replied 'It was not the Chinese
who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese'.


'Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same,' replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says
'You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.'


Shocked, Spielberg replies 'It was the iceberg
that sank the ship, not me.'


The Chinese replies, 'Iceberg, Spielberg,
Carlsberg, you're all the same.'

United 1 Arsenal 0


Fitter. Harder. Faster. Stronger. United outfought and outclassed Arsenal on a European night to remember at Old Trafford. Yet the Reds take only a one-goal advantage to the Emirates Stadium next Tuesday, and the road to Rome is not as straightforward as it perhaps could have been.

Sir Alex said before the game that he would happily take a 1-0 victory in this Champions League semi-final, first leg. And United can take heart from an outstanding display of vigour and verve. But after the mauling Arsenal received, the Reds boss can surely only conclude that the winning margin should have been greater.

Right from the off United’s players, backed by an absolutely incredible support, were revved up and right in the faces of the beleaguered Gunners. Carlos Tevez was rewarded for his match-changing second-half display against Tottenham at the weekend with a place in the starting line-up – and he played like he had a statement to make.

Sir Alex’s team selection suggested speed and energy were of the essence. And, spurred on by a fired-up Old Trafford crowd, the Reds made a blistering start, with Wayne Rooney forcing an excellent save from Manuel Almunia after just two minutes. Then Cristiano Ronaldo flashed a cross-shot across the face of goal. It was upbeat and high-tempo stuff, as expected. But Arsenal were nowhere to be seen early on against the hungry-looking Reds.

Tevez was snap-at-your ankles enthusiastic, Ronaldo and Rooney both looked lively and Darren Fletcher maintained his excellent recent form in the heart of midfield. For Arsenal, away from home and with Emmanuel Adebayor up front on his own, theirs was always bound to be a more patient approach. But even when their first spell of possession eventually arrived, they were booed and barracked into submission.

United 5 Spurs 2



Games at Old Trafford should come with a health warning and it should clearly state that visits are not for the faint-hearted.

Having begun the month with a last-gasp victory over Aston Villa, the Reds ended it in similarly dramatic fashion after coming from two goals down to seal a stunning victory over Tottenham Hotspur which moved them three points clear of Liverpool at the top of the table.

Darren Bent and Luca Modric had given the visitors a two-goal lead at half-time, but Sir Alex’s men stormed back after the break thanks to a brace apiece from the outstanding Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo and another from Dimitar Berbatov.

The Bulgarian was one of five players who returned to the starting line-up after sitting out the victory over Harry Redknapp’s former side, Portsmouth, three days earlier. Rafael da Silva, who had filled in at right-back against Pompey following injuries to Gary Neville and John O'Shea, carried on where he left off, while Nani, Michael Carrick and Rio Ferdinand were also back. There was, however, no place for Ryan Giggs who watched on from the stands knowing he would have to wait for another day, most probably Wednesday against Arsenal, to make his 800th appearance in a red shirt.

United began the match in second following Liverpool’s earlier victory at Hull and immediately set about gaining top spot. Berbatov almost had the first sight of goal after just 30 seconds, but Darren Fletcher’s pass was just too long for the striker allowing Heurelho Gomes to collect.

Quran Found Dumped In Mangroves
















A number of Quran was found dumped in the mangroves near Kampong Tumasek this afternoon by a group of teenagers who went sightseeing around Kampong Ayer. They enter a small river where it leads to the Quran dumpsite. There were about 15 units of Mushaf Brunei Darussalam found lying on the ground beside other Qurans. By looking their conditions, the Qurans has been disposed there for a long time. The disposal of Qurans and other religious books should be done properly such as burning and burying. This act is considered irresponsible and insulting. The relevant agencies should take action on this issue.

By : Farhan Iskandar

Other source : Media Permata, Thursday 23 April 2009 Page 5

United 2 Portsmouth 0



Another nervous evening's work at Old Trafford, but goals at either end of the 90 minutes from Wayne Rooney and Michael Carrick gave United three points against Portsmouth, putting clear daylight between champions and challengers in the Premier League title race.

A procession of chances came and went in-between the two strikes, meaning much of the evening made uncomfortable viewing even though United - and in particular the front pairing of Rooney and Ryan Giggs - often had Portsmouth chasing shadows.

After Sunday's FA Cup semi-final marathon against Everton, Sir Alex Ferguson made wholesale changes for the second successive game, with a string of big-name players returning. Two of them - Giggs and Rooney - combined sumptuously to put United ahead inside nine minutes.

Darren Fletcher, back from injury and on the lung-busting form of recent weeks, won the ball and it was quickly ferried forward to Anderson, whose excellent pass allowed Giggs to spring the visitors' offside trap. Waiting in the centre was Rooney, who finished with aplomb after a perfect rolled cross from his veteran colleague.

Amid the joy and release of any early tension, attentions switched to skipper Gary Neville, who sat stricken in his own half after sustaining a foot injury. After consultation with the club's medical staff, the club captain was promptly replaced by John O'Shea.

World Gr8st Inventor


George Westingham

George Eastman

Alexander Graham Bell

Albert Einstein

20/04/09




















United 0 Everton 0 (2-4 on pens)


United are out of the FA Cup after a brave semi-final showing from a very young Reds team, losing 4-2 on penalty kicks at Wembley.

Ironically, it was Phil Jagielka, the man whose foul should have given United a second-half penalty, who scored the winning spot-kick after the two teams could not be separated in 120 minutes of entertaining football. It's Sir Alex's first FA Cup semi-final defeat and ends the chance of an unprecedented quintuple. However, Sir Alex's team selection suggests he has his sights set on the league and Europe.

It had been something of a gamble and there were raised eyebrows when United’s team-sheet was submitted an hour before kick-off, with eight changes from the side that beat FC Porto four days previously. The absentees all stayed in Manchester, though reports that a broken metatarsal would rule Wayne Rooney out for the rest of the season proved woefully wide of the mark.

The average age of the starting team was just 22, the line-up including four teenagers, and seven players aged 25 or under. Sir Alex insisted he couldn’t ask many of his players involved in a taxing battle in Portugal to go again on a heavy Wembley pitch – only Anderson, Rio Ferdinand and Nemanja Vidic from the team that started at Estadio do Dragao survived. Few, however, could have predicted the boss’ team.

Ringtones4You Volume 9



1.Sheila On 7 - Cut Sahabat Sejati
2.Gigi - Cut Sahur Tiba
3.Nadia - Cut Salam Buat Kekasih
4.Antique - Cut Satu Bintang
5.Agnes Monica - Cut Tanpa Kekasih
6.Kotak Band - Cut Terbang
7.Ari Lasso - Cut Tuhan Kau Tahu
8.Kangen Band - Cut Usai Sudah
9.Kangen Band - Cut Usai Sudah 1
10.Mulan Jameela - Cut Wonder Woman
11.Nindy - Cut Cinta Cuma Satu
12.D'Masiv - Cut Cinta Sampai Disini
13.Opick - Cut Cinta Setulus Jiwa
14.Hijau Daun - Cut Cobalah
15.Potret - Cut Apa Harus Putus Dulu
16.Intan RJ - Cut Apalagi
17.Cynthia Lamusu & Surya Saputra - Cut Bahagia
18.Dewiq Ft Ipank - Cut Bete
19.Dewiq Ft Ipank - Cut Bete 1
20.3 In 1 - Cut Bodo Amat Ah

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Ringtones4You Volume 8



1.Letto - Cut Ruang Rindu
2.Kerispatih - Cut Kejujuran Hati
3.Ungu - Cut Kekasih Gelapku
4.Monita - Cut Kekasih Sejati
5.Kertas - Cut Kekasih Yang Tak Dianggap
6.Warna - Cut Kisah Terindah
7.Ussy - Cut Klik
8.Romance - Cut Ku Ingin Kamu
9.Romance - Cut Ku Ingin Kamu 1
10.Kenny, Remy & Martin - Cut Ku Petik Bintang Bintang
11.Yovie & Nuno - Cut Ku Tak Suka Lagu Ini
12.Anuar Zain - Cut Lelaki Ini
13.BBB - Cut Let's Dance Together
14.Mulan Jameela - Cut Makhluk Tuhan Yang Paling Seksi
15.Peterpan - Cut Menghapus Jejakmu
16.Ressa Herlambang - Cut Menyesal
17.Andra & The Backbone - Cut Musnah
18.Gigi - Cut Nakal
19.Numata - Cut Penjaga Hati
20.Jila - Cut Rela 1

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Ringtones4You Volume 7



1.Kangen Band - Cut Doy
2.Gita Gutawa Ft Dafi - Cut Dua Hati Jadi Satu
3.Titi Dj - Cut Galau
4.Dewi Dewi - Cut Elang
5.Jinbara - Cut Farhana
6.Sweet September - Cut Hatiku Kau Guris Luka
7.Nidji - Cut Heaven
8.Samsons - Cut Hey Gadis
9.Intan Nuraini - Cut Gubrak
10.Laksamana - Cut Gugurnya Bunga Cinta
11.Repvblik - Cut Hanya Ingin Kau Tahu
12.Lela - Cut Harapan
13.BBB - Cut Jangan Bilang Tidak
14.Ungu - Cut Ijinkan Aku
15.Maia - Cut Ingat Kamu
16.Astrid - Cut Jadikan AKu Yang Kedua
17.Vagetoz - Cut Kehadiranmu
18.Spin - Cut Janji Kita
19.Estranged - Cut Itu Kamu
20.Pinkan Mambo - Cut Kasmaran


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Ringtones4You Volume 6



1.Melly Goeslaw Ft Deddy Mizwar - Cut Apa Kata Dunia
2.Rossa - Cut Atas Nama Cinta
3.Utopia - Cut Benci
4.Utopia - Cut Benci (Ballad)
5.Sonia - Cut Benci Ku Sangka Sayang
6.Vagetoz - Cut Betapa Aku Mencintaimu
7.Eddy Silitonga - Cut Bukan Hidup Hanya Sehari
8.Thomas - Cut Bunga
9.Siti Nurhaliza - Cut Cahaya Cinta
10.Ungu - Cut Cinta Dalam Hati
11.Club 80's - Cut Cinta Dan Luka
12.Anima - Cut Cinta Katakan Cinta
13.Kahitna - Cut Cinta Sendiri
14.Kangen Band - Cut Dengar Dan Rasakan
15.Yovie And Nuno - Cut Dia Milikku
16.Pinkan Mambo - Cut Dirimu Dirinya
17.Nidji - Cut Disco Lazy Time
18.Zubir Ali - Cut Doa
19.Dewi Dewi - Cut Dokter Cinta
20.Dewi Dewi - Cut Dokter Cinta 1

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Porto 0 United 1



United will face Arsenal in an all-English Champions League semi-final, after the Reds became the first English team to beat Porto in the Estadio do Dragao.

It took something special: a quite breathtaking 40-yard strike from Cristiano Ronaldo which, allied to a first clean sheet in six games, took the holders into the final four. Indeed, it would have been the Reds' defensive resolve which would have pleased Sir Alex Ferguson most, as the return of Rio Ferdinand brought an assuredness to the champions and restricted the dangerous hosts to but a handful of opportunities.

Following last week's 2-2 first-leg draw, Porto went into the match with a crucial away-goal advantage. That was tellingly overturned inside six minutes of an imposing second encounter. Had Sir Alex been asked to draw a blueprint of his perfect start, it wouldn't have been too far removed from what actually transpired.

The Reds were already looking confident when Anderson slipped a pass to Ronaldo, but the winger's ambition beggared belief. Having received the ball just inside the hosts' half, Ronaldo took a touch to set himself and arrowed an unstoppable effort into Helton's top corner. The ball travelled 40 yards to the goal, but the Brazilian goalkeeper could get nowhere near it.

A Sporting Lisbon export, Ronaldo was predictably jeered from the first whistle by the blue and white clad hordes in the stands. Suddenly, he had provoked silence on every side of the Estadio do Dragao - bar, of course, the sizeable pocket of writhing, jubilant United fans behind the opposite goal.

Esmeralda


Sunderland 1 United 2



A week ago, few outside of Old Trafford had heard of Kiko Macheda. After two vital winners in the space of six days, however, the 17-year-old Italian has been catapulted into a starring role in United's ongoing Premier League title defence.

While last Sunday's winner against Aston Villa was a piece of last-gasp artistry, this input at the Stadium of Light had a touch of fortune about it, but it was still enough to procure three priceless points after Kenwyne Jones had cancelled out Paul Scholes' opener.

Three points was all the Reds deserved, it has to be said, for a performance which was occasionally slapdash, but largely dominant against a Sunderland side severely lacking in confidence after a poor recent run of form.

Sir Alex Ferguson made a host of changes to the side which contested Tuesday's pulsating draw with Porto, with the return of Jonny Evans and Dimitar Berbatov from injury providing a welcome boost. Cristiano Ronaldo, involved in 20 of the Reds' previous 22 games this year, dropped to the bench for a well-earned rest. Scholes was included alongside Michael Carrick in midfield, and the veteran schemer ensured United were ahead by the interval.

Only a heroic block from Calum Davenport stopped the midfielder's 20-yard blockbuster testing Craig Gordon after nine minutes. Shortly afterwards, Scholes again found space in the area but opted to find Rooney, whose cross sailed over.